In a recent blog post, I pulled back the curtain (front) and let you in to see what lies beneath the surface… and it’s not pretty.
When I wrote about being vulnerable; I didn’t do it for attention. I didn’t do it to have you feel sorry for me. In a sense, I did it to try and purge the demons that are keeping me from being truly happy.
Did it work? Unfortunately, it did not. Although change does not happen overnight anyway.
Here’s the front I’ve been putting on for the past few years…
Happy-go-lucky, enthusiastic, businessman with the ambition of a child that believes they can become anything they ever dreamed of being.
In reality, this is true. This really is who I am at the core. I do tend to think positively and use my energy to attempt to make a positive difference within my network (and community).
If I am this person, then why am I hurting so much beneath the surface?
The Comfortability of a “Front”
A lot of people start to get nervous on Sunday nights because it means Monday is coming. Even more people have the most anxiety on a Monday morning as they experience “a case of the Monday’s”. I started my Mojo Monday’s podcast in January of 2017 because I truly do love Monday’s.
I love the work week. My anxiety hits on a Thursday and even more on a Friday. Without having concrete plans of knowing how I’ll be spending my time on a weekend is what gives me true anxiety.
It wasn’t always this way for me though. Something happened to me in the past few years of being in a long term relationship. I can’t put my finger on what and when this actually happened. But, what I do know is that I got too damn comfortable.
I got comfortable with having a steady relationship and not worrying about how I’ll spend my time because I know I’m going to be with the woman I love and doing something that makes us happy. I was comfortable.
I had everything I ever wanted. Business was going great, a wonderful girlfriend and life felt like a breeze. Everything was good.
The problem is I never addressed the underlying elephant in the room. For those of you that know me well, you’d know that my relationship was not steady. It was the epitome of an off-and-on again relationship. Deep down that tore me apart. But, I was so consumed with living on the surface that I never addressed these feelings until now … when I’m finally forced to address what lies beneath the front.
I’ve tried everything to make myself feel better and feel whole again. I’ve lost over 15 pounds in less than 6 weeks while putting on lean muscle. It’s been easy to lose weight as my appetite has been dwindling while my swim sessions and runs have become more frequent. Losing weight in essence is a simple formula > burn more calories than you consume. But, this isn’t about losing weight.
I’ve been active in yoga for the past 3–4 weeks and when I say “active”, I mean yoga at least once a week and sometimes up to four times a week. Before starting yoga this year, I think I’ve probably done yoga three times in the past 4–5 years. So, this is a big deal for me. As you might know if you follow my various pieces of content — I’m huge in to meditation.
However, I don’t really practice meditation like they say you “should”. I try to meditate, but I’m learning that yoga, swimming, and running is a much better form of meditation for me than sitting alone for 20 minutes repeating my mantra over and over again. Actually, let’s talk about sitting alone with your thoughts…
When is the last time you sat down and just did a self-diagnosis about how you feel? Are you able to hear nothing but silence and the voices in your head? Are you okay with the voices in your head?
I think it’s crucial for us to be alone with our thoughts at least once a week (if not more).
Anyways, this section is about action. So, here you go — this is me being as vulnerable as I can possibly be. This Friday I’m doing a sacred plant based ceremony that uses ayahuasca. It’s totally possible that people will read this knowing what ayahuasca is already and be judging me at this point. AND if you don’t know what ayahuasca is after reading this next section you might be judging me. Thus, this is as vulnerable as I really can be.
So, what is Ayahuasca?
In short, ayahuasca is a plant found in the Amazon region and people use ayahuasca to help find meaning in their life. The plant is brewed into what I hear is an unpalatable tasting drink. A shaman conducts the ceremony and after you drink the ayahuasca you will hallucinate, have visions and realizations.
They say that ayahuasca will be responsible for making you face deep demons that you have been battling within yourself your whole life. They say that ayahuasca shows you the path you need to take to overcome these demons. They say that ayahuasca is 10 years of therapy packed into one night.
I’ve heard countless podcasts with people that have drank this unpleasant tasting drink that will likely make you vomit profusely. I’ve had long conversations with friends that have experienced ayahuasca first hand. Of everything I’ve heard and researched, most came out on the other side stronger than ever before.
Why am I Doing This?
They say ayahuasca finds you. In other words, you come across ayahuasca at a time in your life when you become ready to experience everything the plant has to offer. For me, I came across ayahuasca (aya) nearly a year ago. I was intrigued from the moment I first heard of aya. However, to be honest I was terrified.
First, because I’m a control freak and to truly benefit from ayahuasca you need to surrender control to the plant and let what happens happen. You can’t try to fight it. You need to embrace it wholeheartedly and for me that’s a scary idea on top of the fear of the unknown from the hallucinations.
Secondly, and probably more important why I haven’t done aya yet is because I haven’t felt the need to. I mean I’ve felt for a while that something is not right within me (and my life) and that’s partially why I’ve been interested in ayahuasca in the first place. But, I haven’t had that pit that I’m in now where I feel like I need something to change.
Recently, it’s been hard to smile.
I can put on the smile for the camera (my YouTube shows) and the voice for my podcasts. But, in reality behind-the-scenes nothing changes. I’m still depressed and all you see is the front. You see what’s on the surface. It’s time for me to take the plunge.
Most of all, I’m excited for ayahuasca to show me what I need to work on within myself and to find inspiration to take action to live a more meaningful life because I’m done with living on the surface. I’m ready to purge the demons that lie beneath the front.
So, I’ll leave you with this, my faithful reader… whatever is going on in your life right now…
Please make sure to:
- take time to check-in with yourself
- have those internal conversations that are tough to hear
- don’t be afraid of being vulnerable
With everything I have, I’m excited for this journey I’m about to embark on and you know I’ll be here to report back 🙂