My most recent Ayahuasca journey can be most simply broken down into 2 common themes.
Depression and Questioning our existence.
Which by the way, if you’re not familiar with Ayahuasca or want to read my 5 part blog series about my first experience with Ayahuasca – you can check it out on the link here: SoulSeekrz.com/Aya
The truth is my depression stems from not knowing the truth about our existence. None of us know. It’s impossible to know. I’ve done so many things that I am proud of during this specific lifetime and yet I never feel fulfilled.
You see I’m always chasing. I’m always building towards the next thing. The ones closest to me are always reminding me that one of my best attributes is taking action. It’s building. It’s creating something from nothing. It’s having a vision and not letting that vision go to waste.
I take action and figure it out along the way. Whereas a lot of people need to know the path to take the action and have it all mapped out. Generally speaking, I do not map out my path. I know the general path and use checkpoints to keep myself on track to achieve the ultimate goal of finishing what I started.
When I do finish whatever new project it is I started I usually end up realizing that as much as I’m happy, relieved, and proud of my work – at the same time I am left confused and empty. Just unfulfilled.
Many believe in the statement, “the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again expecting different results”. Luckily, for my sake, I’m not literally doing the same things over and over again. However, in some senses I am.
See, even though each project I take on is technically different; in reality it’s all one of the same. I find a new outlet; a new interest and build to achieve a goal. Each time on my mission I feel that once I achieve the goal I will finally feel fulfilled, happy, and joyful. Although I don’t. Each time I’m left thinking “okay, now what?”
Which brings me past the depression and into the meaning of our existence…
Meaning of Life
Is this all just a game and if so, what’s the point?
My friend, Alexandra, from Aluna Healing once told me that Earth is believed to be the “Masterclass for Souls”.
This resonates with me because I do believe in life on different planets and galaxies. Since you’re reading this now in this current moment in time you and I are both in the same present existence on Earth.
Truth be told, even as I write this; it blows my mind that it’s possible for someone to read these words hundreds of thousands of billions of years from now. This blog is posted on the internet. I wonder all the time how long the internet will last and how much longer this current civilization of Earth will be around.
Earth’s Old, but do you ever think about that?
Earth is believed to be around 4.5 BILLION years. That’s an incomprehensible number. The U.S. was born in 1776. Since we’re currently in the year 2019 as I write this, that means the U.S. has only been around for 243 years!
I’m 31 and I think back to my youth as being a long time ago. If you’re older than me you might be thinking to yourself that 31 is just a baby. Well, in reality, all human life is just a baby. The rough human lifespan is give or take around 70 years old. We’re all just babies – whether you technically are a “baby”, you’re in your 30’s, or living beyond 100 years old … we are all just babies.
The closest living relatives to humans are believed to have lived around 4.6 to 6.2 million years ago.
Let that sink in for a second. We’re living as an average around 70 years, our closest existence to humans is somewhere around 5 million years ago, and our planet dates back to over 4 BILLION years.
The human race as a whole are babies to Earth. Will our kind last the test of time?
Welcome to my Brain
I chase and chase and focus on “Success” because our society has programmed and conditioned us to want better, more, and faster.
We are taught to follow our dreams and we are told what our options are. The system is built in such a way that we truly do live our lives to work. No matter what you say to defend this statement; I have to disagree with you.
The only way I see it to not be a slave to the system is by living out your existence without money. I mean literally no money. Not as little money as you can to be happy and get by. I mean isolation and building and providing completely on your own.
Yes, there are still cultures that live this way. But as someone who has been raised an American in California and growing up in the thick of Silicon Valley – that is not an existence I know and am familiar with.
It’s not that I don’t always live in the present. There have been moments in my life when I have been fully present over longer periods of time than just a moment. My first experience with Ayahuasca was 5 months prior to writing this.
I was living in the present and at a slower pace after journeying with Ayahuasca the first time. I was in a feeling of zen where everything just made so much sense. I saw everything as it was without judgement and often times could predict the outcome of certain events. It was a mystical feeling to be in this state of what I imagine enlightenment could be like.
Over time I lost my way. I got back to my energetic, loving and joking self. I began to skip my meditations and other spiritual practices. I let the conditioning and programming wash right back over me as I slipped right back into the system.
I was okay with it. I wouldn’t say I was happy, but I was in a good state. I knew something below the surface was bothering me and I didn’t want to address it by meditating along with other spiritual practices.
Now that I’m back in the state of knowing the truth about our conditioning and programming I become sickened all over again. I don’t know if I was actually happy when I was previously in my enlightened-like state. I don’t know if I want to live in this state of mind or go back to not remembering and just letting myself be a slave to the system (although deep down I’m conscious of the fact that I don’t really have a choice… there is no going back).
I do know that I’m ready for the answers and that the more I search for answers, the more I will be living in pain and suffering. My truth; my highest excitement is discovering the meaning of existence and what’s next after this life. How do I operate daily with these dilemmas?
I’m not present. Most of the time when I meet people I don’t even remember their name. I know that I shouldn’t be thinking of what I’m going to say next when listening to one speak.
I know I should fully be present and listen to what they have to say. Yet, usually I always resort to my selfish ways and squirrel-like mind of not being fully present and instead thinking of what I’m going to say next.
I’ve known I do this for years and I try to be more present. I try to be more present when in conversation. I try to remember people’s names when I meet them and look them in the eye. Yet, for whatever reason I resort back to not fully being present.
The biggest lesson I received from this experience with Mother Ayahuasca is that I do not need to be so focused on what’s next. I don’t need to live so fast. It’s ok to slow down. It’s okay to realize when you’re tired and rest without guilt.
As for the feeling fulfilled… Maybe if I slow down to listen to the sounds of the crows cheering me on, having the inner strength of the gorilla, building my community with my pack, and feeling the ocean breeze and the sun beating on my skin. Maybe this is when… THIS is what it means to live.
Be in the moment, appreciate what you have and don’t take a moment for granted.
This is my lesson and I hope it speaks to you my friends.
What’s your take? Seriously, I want to know. Let me know what you think in the comments.
THANK YOU so much and as always — I’m always open to connecting one on one.
AND finally, email me (Sam@SoulSeekrz.com) to schedule a time to talk more about any soul seeking type topics.
To Allowing Ourselves to SLOW DOWN,
Sam AKA SwagSam
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